“Maybe it’s not worth it, after all it’s better here where I am.”
How many times have you come close, really close, to finally touching that coveted summit, to putting your foot on the threshold of Home, and the feeling of having to give up has arisen in you. How many times could you have taken it all to a higher level, shown yourself for what you are, and run away instead.
It is always like a thrill that rises from the remotest depths and advises you to aim lower, to spare yourself a little, not to hit the target; like a voice whispering in your ear: ‘What will happen if we win? Reflect on this: the whole world, the whole of Humanity, declares that it treads a path in search of Love, Peace, Truth, of God, and then, as soon as it perceives their nearness, it gets distracted, repudiates them, turns back.
It is like an ancient oath, an old vow, which has to do with all those times when you did not feel great enough, worthy enough. Of all those times when you bet on yourself and lost, when you prayed and were abandoned, when you couldn’t handle your power and someone next to you suffered tremendously.
So you said: ‘I solemnly swear to step aside, to sit by the side of a road and watch others pass by. Let them, I have had enough, my heart has had enough. I will beg, I will be a beggar, everything as long as nothing more depends on me.”
You have vowed to yourself never to try to the utmost lest you meet with failure again. And because of this oath, every time you had a chance, every time a curtain opened, every time a sceptre was given to you, every time someone loved you: you did everything you could to push back, to sabotage, to give up, so that you would not have to trust again. And you did it so well, and for so many lifetimes, that today you have probably even forgotten about it, that you don’t even notice it anymore, you and so many others with you.
Yet you know it, if you are travelling in the depths of the Spirit, perhaps you feel it. Many times you have felt as if you were falling and many times you have felt as if you were losing, but this was only one version of your story. How much Beauty in the Universe arises from what we think is a mistake, from an imperfection. How much Wonder can arise from the tears of a cry, from the pain of a birth.
Then hear me well and meditate on this: your garments are threadbare, your hands dirty, you have punished yourself enough. You have punished yourself enough! Forgive what has been, forgive yourself for what you could not give, recognise your qualities, go all the way: what else can you do? You are a king disguised as a beggar, however well you may pretend, the light in your eyes will always reveal your deceit.
A hug to lift us up together